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Digitalized image of an OCPD thought as seen through a Psychoscope.

                                                  Last update: April 4, 2010                                                   Next update: Mid-April 2010

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A Kid Plays, Mr. OCPD Pays: Why We Delay Bedtime

      The clot in my earlobe is preventing me from going to bed; after a productive day, here I am now in a bit of a stall. “No, not that tired” I think to myself, but the night has to end at one point! As a night owl it is not necessarily tiredness that will lead me towards the bed, but my own volition of doing so and voluntarily ending the day. However at the moment, my own volition is unfortunately more concerned with my right earlobe, that one which has always been some kind of an obsession. The bothersome aspect of it? The fact that I have this tiny clot, a foreign object that is the result of an earring infection and that is probably always going to be there. It’s been there for years anyway, since I’ve permanently removed my earrings 4-5 years ago. An earrings-removed and presence-of-a-clot moment later, the phenomenon does not pass incognito anymore. The clot enters my psyche via my awarenesss of it, or should I rather say the attention that I choose to give it. I have started to focus on it maybe 2 years ago; it could be even more. I have another clot on the other earlobe but for some reason it has never come to bother me. Why? I’m not too sure, probably because it’s a bit smaller and less disturbing to touch, less “abnormal”...

      At the moment I don’t really feel like my day should end now. Again I’m not too sure why, but what I know is that somehow the clot of my right earlobe is to blame! What actually bothers me is primarily the feel when I touch it with my fingers; it is also the imagery that I create of it, images that my mind builds from data gathered by the sensations of touch and proprioception. Real sensations, but that my mind exaggerates.

      Actually I was able to refrain from touching my earlobe in the past year and the temptation has since been very low, thanks to my own will, Luvox and to the fact that my life is “back on track”. Avoidance behaviours are not recommended I agree, but the fact that I haven’t been touching it for the past 15 months or so has been for me an excellent incentive in not relapsing and touching it. As difficult as it is to force myself not to touch my earlobe, it has proven to be of extreme importance as it helps me (in an exponential manner) in not wanting to touch it; doing so would be breaking a long-standing success. I have never been a smoker, but I can easily imagine that it would be just like smoking one cigarette after, let’s say, 15 months of not smoking at all! How deceiving it would be! So; in brief as crazy as this may appear, I seem to hold my clot responsible of the fact that I am not heading to bed at the moment. But let’s try to intellectualize it and to understand why that would happen.


Analysis



     I don’t (rather didn’t) like the physical sensation of touching the clot but since I haven’t touched it in 15 months as mentioned in the earlier paragraph, I guess it’s now the feeling that I remember of touching the clot that is disturbing. Back in those days it was probably just the physical sensation of touch that was bothersome, what I perceived between my fingers; now 15 months later the culprits are rather the souvenir of that precise sensation of touch on the earlobe plus the visual and proprioceptive souvenir of “seeing myself” carry out that behaviour. It all forms some type of unified negative feeling that I go through the time of one instant, a moment that can repeat itself over and over while I am in this “OCPD trance”. A negative feeling that in this particular case tonight, does not allow me to go to bed. Yes, somehow. In other words: there is the physical sensation that I did not like, just like a zit or a lump can be annoying. It’s not supposed to be there; it’s an anomaly, an irregularity. And then there is the psychological feeling of anxiousness caused by the imagined phenomenon.

      In fact my mind oscillates between finding it totally unacceptable that this clot exists and at the same time finding it totally ridiculous that I am having that totally useless thought and sensation that are preventing me from doing anything else that would be a 100% more constructive than this thought!

      And just as you would think that this specific thought of the clot would come to end, in my mind it does not. It feels as though I still have to think about it, more and more, before I go to bed. It feels as if it’s not the end of it, as if I have to wear it out until it’s all “thought of”. The question is: when will the thought “be consumed” in its entirety? That is the problem; Mr. OCPD might never give an end to the thought. The clot will probably always exist but the thought of the clot is a different story. Its destiny is within my mind. Most of the time during the day and throughout the week I am able to decide that the thought “has been all thought of” but at this exact moment tonight, I am having a hard time. Sometimes I succeed in doing so but then I fear it popping up again in my mind at some point or another in time: 5 minutes later, at some point during the day tomorrow, next week or maybe even in 5 months time… I have the constant feeling that the thought will reappear for sure, in part because of classical conditioning: some stimulus at some point will trigger the thought in my mind. This in turn means that I have “to be in peace with” the thought, if not it will always haunt me.




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